Miss · Cornelia · Rothschild

The house is so empty, now. Mr. Hassanov made the welcome gift to me of an airship, which I have named the Black Alice. It is now moored over Minesfield Park, and I go up there when I can take the silence no longer. It is a new place, empty of memories, and it is a comfort to me.

Sir's room stayed as it was for a time, but now everything lies in boxes, which will remain there. I have yet to go through some of the crates that were brought in from his laboratory. I cannot bring myself to. I run through the room as fast as possible when I must get to my own.

It is so odd to think that I speak for myself, now. I have my uncles, of course, but they have lives and families of their own and I shouldn't like to impose. Aunt Elysia has moved on to her next adventure. I know that I will always have friends and counselors to call upon, but the sensation sometimes crashes into me that I am alone in the world, and it fills me with terror.

Yes, I think that I can say that almost as bad as Sir's passing have been the new emotions I have been feeling in its wake. I knew uncertainty before...when I worried about the cant of a curtsey, or the form of address to use with a nobleman. But now I think I know fear, and despair, and neediness, and rage. And they frighten me, for they are much stronger than I ever imagined them to be. I can see now why some humans have done vile and insane things when afflicted by them.

I think that I hate someone in Caledon now, and I never thought I could. At least, I have been reliably informed, I am not the only one who dislikes this person, or has been hurt by them. For some reason, that makes me feel better -- and yet, I detest the fact that it does. I don't want to be cruel, or evil. I want things to go back to the way that they were, when I was grateful simply for my existence, and understood nothing.

I think that I hate someone, and yet my heart is filled with a thousand voices shrieking, "Look upon all you meet with love, for it may be the last time that you ever see them." It is a contradiction that fills me with yet more grief.

I shouldn't write about such things. I should try to stay positive. My mood has been oscillating, of late. My friends are very good at cheering me up, and I am merry for a time. And then, I am back to square one, trying to stop my body from trying to cry. I really wish it would understand that no tears will ever come out, and stop attempting to make them.

I want spring.

Love,

Lia

Current Location:	The Black Alice
Current Mood:	sad