Miss · Cornelia · Rothschild

Just a depressed entry by the girl behind the mirror, here. Kindly avert your eyes, if you haven't the stomach to deal with yet another one. I won't blame you.

So, my life sucks fairly badly, right now. I cannot find a job in the field I like and studied for. I am close to telling my student loan company to kindly pirouette off of a cliff, as I do not, generally, like paying for services which have not been rendered. My mother is ill again. I probably will not make it to Cale-Con (though that is the least of my concerns, just now).

I am seriously wishing I could kill myself, right now. I have dealt with suicidal feelings and depression since I was a child. Now, please, don't imagine that I *will*. I have two very important considerations keeping me from suicide: namely, the fact that my mother needs my help, and that suicide would bloody hurt. I hate pain.

But I still wish I could, deep down.

Lately I have been reminded of the fact that, while I am, I think, a jovial and easy-going soul, I have been ground beneath someone's heel since late childhood. I had done my best to forget this fact, and to just suck it up and go on with my life, but I have been very emotional of late and my defenses have weakened.

I know, logically, that I am not ugly, that I am intelligent, and that I am a good person. But the people I hated, and then tried to forget about are winning again, and I feel ugly, and incompetent, and stupid, and blind, and horrible.

I want Sir here. There are so many things I would apologize for. I really just want to cease to exist, for it's too late for me to begin anything grand. I feel so old, and I'm only 26. But it's just too late to do anything fantastic with my life. I kept waiting and waiting, and nothing has happened.

I am very close to using swear words in this post. It is only my reputation, or what remains of it, that keeps me from doing so. I suppose that's enough.

I am very tired, and I am running out of time.

- Nell

Current Mood:

disappointed